


no reason to stay (is a good reason to go)

by subtlyhaught



Category: The Young and the Restless
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-12
Updated: 2018-01-12
Packaged: 2019-03-03 20:14:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13348695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/subtlyhaught/pseuds/subtlyhaught
Summary: A months worth of avoidance was barely equal to a lifetimes worth of remembrance.





	no reason to stay (is a good reason to go)

She told herself it was justified. 

A months worth of avoidance was barely equal to a lifetimes worth of painful remembrance. What could she have done if she had tried to stay, tried to fix things. There was nothing left for her. Nothing to gain, nothing to give, nothing keeping her tethered to the woman to had broken her. 

She told herself that was a good enough reason to let her go. 

And so she found herself without her best friend, and furthermore, without a part of herself. It had felt so easy to let Tessa in, that she hadn't realized how much of herself had been willingly given to the brunette. Maybe it was inexperience; Mariah hadn't ever had many friends, people she could trust, talk to. This was true especially now, and was made unequivocally clear after she had lost Tessa. After she had lost Devon even. Maybe lost wasn't the right word, but in the end, Mariah was still lonely, so it didn't really matter. 

She told herself she didn't do lonely, while staring at the bottom of her empty wine glass at three in the morning. Lonely was for people who had no one. For people that were left, or people who didn't know how to let themselves be found. Lonely was something Mariah had decided she didn't do years and years ago.

Because being in the cult was lonely. Terrifyingly so. She was convinced it was the worst kind of loneliness as well; the kind you feel sucking the life out of you while you're surrounded by people who promise you they care. She could feel it weighing down on her shoulders while surrounded by a myriad of people. And it scared her. 

But she found loneliness at the bottom of her wine glass, and again at the bottom of the wine bottle. 

It left a bitter taste in her mouth and an empty feeling in her stomach, so she closed her eyes, tried to focus. There was a clock mounted on the wall in the kitchen, whose rhythmic ticking tried it's best to set Mariah as ease. The sound momentarily distracted the redhead, and she sighed, her breathing falling in line with the beat. 

She let herself go ahead into the silence. Let herself just sit for a moment, absorbed by the void around her, by the quiet wave of feelings she could feel beginning to cascade down her back.

She could text Tessa right now. Tell her she was sorry. She hadn't been thinking, she's taking it all back, any plethora of things that could try and fix them. She could show up in her doorstep, knock vigorously, and fall into her arms. Or ask her to forgive her. Or tell her she wanted to try friends again. Or hold her hand and kiss her until her head stopped spinning. 

Mariah bit her cheek before the thought could escalate, though her fingers twitched with the desire to find her phone. 

But she didn't. Because Mariah had chosen this. Had chosen herself. Because Tessa was beautiful, and funny, and smart, and everything wonderful, but she was also the thing that hurt Mariah the most. And even though without her Mariah was broken and alone, she was convinced leaving was best. Was justified.

Loneliness be damned.

**Author's Note:**

> ahhhhh
> 
> this was definitely written at 2am on a whim based off camila cabellos song somethings gotta give so you should give that a listen 
> 
> yell at me on Tumblr (@i-said-oops) or Twitter (@lameiish)


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